


I wish I Didn't Love You

by Changmin



Category: DBSK | Tohoshinki | TVfXQ | TVXQ
Genre: Angst, M/M, with a kinda happy end
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-05
Updated: 2015-06-05
Packaged: 2018-04-03 00:27:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 895
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4079626
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Changmin/pseuds/Changmin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Written in late 2013 for the prompt 'I wish I Didn't Love You'</p>
            </blockquote>





	I wish I Didn't Love You

      Changmin's not sure what he's doing anymore. He knew what he was doing in 2011. He knew if he had to go back he'd pick Yunho again in a heartbeat. He knew he was irrevocably, undoubtedly, whole heartedly set on Yunho's happiness. And much to his chagrin he knew he was irrevocably, undoubtedly, whole heartedly in love with Yunho.

  
     Changmin knows this isn't the way to Yunho's happiness. Yes, staying made Yunho happy, yes, coming back made Yunho happy, yes, two successful Japanese tours and a world tour made Yunho happy, but Changmin knew Yunho didn't enjoy spending 24/7 alone with Changmin. With 13 years of knowing each other silence is never awkward and words are barely needed, Changmin can just tell. He knows Yunho wants to get married, have children, live on the countryside in a sickeningly sweet happy ending. And Changmin wants Yunho to have this.

     Changmin tries to distance himself, in smaller ways at first, asking for a separate dressing room, eating at a different time, hanging out with kyuline, but Changmin realizes they are still together more often than not. He finally decides upon moving out, muttering about how two almost thirty year old men should not be living together like college roommates.

  
     He tries to believe his own words when tears sting at the corners of his eyes as he takes the final box out of their shared apartment.

  
     They say absence makes the heart grow fonder, and Changmin finally realizes what they mean.

  
     He misses the little things, Yunho misplacing things, the toothpaste never ends up in the shower and he can't help but wonder how he comes to miss this. He misses waking up in the middle of the night to Yunho making a smoothie, misses yelling at him, misses Yunho's laughter as he tells him there's no way he's taking a smoothie into his bedroom. (He'll drop it and make a mess, Changmin just knows). He misses dinner with Yunho, misses complaining about the obscene amount of strawberries in his diet.  
     They still see each other. It's inevitable, they work together, and they work all the time. They practice for hours but there's not much place for talking, "Your left leg is off," "That's too fast," "If you mess up here I'm gonna trip on you Minnie," "You're working too hard," Yunho's voice is laced with concern and Changmin uses it as an excuse, "You're right I'm going to take a break," Changmin sits in the hall outside the practice room, sweat dripping onto a towel wrapped around his neck sipping water. He doesn't know what he's doing anymore. Changmin remembers, last year, two years ago, hell before the split he'd lean on Yunho in the corner of the practice room sweaty, smiling, laughing about trivial things. He's doing this for Yunho, he reminds himself but it doesn't help, Yunho doesn't seem happier, he's a mess, Changmin's a mess. Changmin hears the door open, he doesn't look up but he can hear Yunho slide down the wall and sit next to him. He heard Yunho exhale, "Changdola...," Yunho places his hand in Changmins hair and Changmin leans into his touch while scrunching his nose because his hair is sweaty and gross, "What's wrong Changmin," Changmin turns his head and Yunho's looking right at his his eyes shine with a hint of sadness and Changmin doesn't know what to say.

  
     "I wish we were teenagers again," Changmin blurts out, his breath is still ragged when he talks, he doesn't know how Yunho does it. He doesn't make eye contact with Yunho, focusing on his jawline, his lips, his hair, anything else.  
     "Do you miss them?"  
     "No that's not it at all," I miss you, he means to say but he keeps his mouth shut  
     "What is it," Yunho's not insistent, Changmin knows he doesn't have to say anything if he doesn't want to. 

 

     "You," he says quietly, he tries to hide his face in his bangs out of habit but they've cut his hair and he can't, "Me, us, this," his voice breaks and he hugs his knees swatting Yunho's arms away. "What is this Yunho what are we, we're not co workers were not brothers," 

     Yunho grabs Changmin's chin forcing him to look at him, "do you really think after all this time we have to pick labels for ourselves?" Changmin doesn't say anything but he can see the sadness in Yunho's eyes as he casts his gaze away, "I'm not asking for you to go back to the way things were, I just want you tell me why Changmin," he lets go, standing up to leave and Changmin can feel the ghost of his hand. Changmin doesn't stand up, weakly extending an arm to grab at Yunho's pantleg causing the older to pause,

     " I think love you Yunho, It's wrong it's so wrong and I know it, I know you want a fairytale wedding at 25 kids or whatever and you have girls falling all over you but here I am I don't have anything to offer but Yunho I think I love you,"

     Yunho doesn't say anything, crouching down as he presses his lips to Changmins. It's not sweet or romantic, they're both gross and sweaty, but everything crumbling around them stops and Changmin knows its the first step in rebuilding what he's destroyed.

**Author's Note:**

> I've never posted a fanfic before ever anywhere, but I found this fic I wrote in 2013 and I thought? maybe someone would enjoy it even tho my writing skills are not the best


End file.
